The Man They Call Martin:
To be fair, the name really is Martin, pronounced MAHR-tin, not MAHR-kin or mahr-TEEN. It’s MAHR-tin. Plain, old, possibly American Martin.
North Philly born and bred, Martin is the sixth of 13 children, though that’s irrelevant to anything or anyone altogether. He’s not the middle child, but readers can figure that out on their own just by doing simple math.
Martin most recently worked as a Finance Coordinator – whatever that really means – in the non-profit sector. There’s a common misconception that he deals with money as a direct result of his title within the company. To clarify: in the non-profit sector, he never sees any money… just finance.
Martin is now a Small Business and Nonprofit Financial Management Consultant. Oddly, the condition of only ever seeing finance – not money – hasn’t changed. Go figure. (Pun intended.)
Martin has sat on several boards of directors in Philadelphia. No, this was not painful for the other board members or directors.
Martin is in many ways a self-made man, but most people have forgiven him and moved on. Only a few – mostly family members – still hold it against him.
Since becoming a motivational speaker, especially for local school career day events, Martin has become delirious, often making statements he would otherwise not make, like “such wonderful students”, “what a beautiful school”, “environment conducive to learning” and so forth. He is seeking help.
On very rare occasions, Martin has been accused of being nice. None of these allegations have been proven, and most are trumped up by people who obviously hate him. Pay them no heed.
It is true that Martin does eat his own cooking. Most of the damage will be reversed when he learns to pump his own stomach and perform self-surgery. From eating his own cooking, Martin holds the distinction of having a stomach the size of a tic-tac, believably the last square meal he ate.
Martin weighs about 130 pounds wet, which occurs several times a year when he gets caught in the rain without an umbrella. Oddly enough, even on days with the worst weather predictions, it NEVER rains when he takes an umbrella anywhere.
Responding to stories about his alleged inability to commit, Martin several years ago began writing a book about the many and varied ways in which he has demonstrated great commitment. Next year he hopes to finish the introduction and to start on the body of the work.
It was recently said of Martin that he knows nothing about the true meaning of love. In his defense, until the nasty remark was made about him, he had never even heard the word.
Martin is older than some people say he looks, but still younger than most people think. With a good haircut and clean shave, he can appear to be younger than his age, but when he talks, it’s clear that he’s older than he seems. He doesn’t remember ever being the age that he actually is.
Martin currently lives alone, but is seeking a roommate, since he has learned he can’t live with himself. Martin does tend to talk to himself – and answer back – but even so, it cannot be worked out. There are irreconcilable differences. He still resides and works in North Philadelphia, but as soon as they lift his ban from other parts of the city, he intends to move out.
For the first time and after nearly seven years living on his own, Martin is moving out of the ghetto. People closest to him have asked why he needs such a “large house” for just one person. Just one person? Apparently, NONE of these people have spoken with his therapist, who is sure there are about twelve people living in Martin’s current house. They’re all Martin.
Martin believes that kind acts will be rewarded, either immediately or in the end of time. Notably, he tells people that they will be remembered in heaven. By that, he means that he’ll think of them when he gets there.
Martin once walked into work to an empty office. He felt like the kid in “Home Alone” who remarked, “I made my family disappear.” For the record, he doesn’t think of any of his colleagues as family. He likes his colleagues.
Martin’s therapist said her psychiatrist’s mental and behavioral health specialist insists that he stop playing theme music when he lurks about in public. Apparently, it’s all they ever talk about in THEIR sessions. Still, Martin denies single-handedly bringing ruin to years of psychiatric research and progress.
Martin reportedly justifies multiple personalities, saying that an ego the size of his has to split among several personas.